ten common mistakes giving feedback

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Ten common mistakes in
giving feedback—and how to fix them<o></o>

Anjali Sastry,
Kara Penn<o></o>

Practicing
Management<o></o>

September 2007
DRAFT<o></o>

do not copy or share<o></o>

Mistake One<o></o>

The feedback judges individuals, not actions<o></o>

The Fix:<o></o>

Give factual, nonjudgmental descriptions
that could be recorded on tape or video, rather than judgments (good/bad,
right/ wrong, must/mustn't, ...).

Describe what you heard
and saw, like an objective scientist or reporter. Be factual and brief,
without interpreting, minimizing, or exaggerating.

Focus objectively on the other person's behavior, not
the person! Then summarize the impact of their behavior on your current feelings, sensations,
thoughts, and needs.

Mistake Two<o></o>
The feedback is too vague<o></o>

The Fix<o></o>
Provide specifics when recalling
the situation.
Provide specifics when describing
the behavior.
Acknowledge the detailed impact
of the behavior on you, the giver.
Use verbatim quotes to help
ground the discussion.

Mistake Three<o></o>
The feedback speaks for others<o></o>

The Fix<o></o>
Avoid guessing
and then sharing the person's behavioral effect on others ("You usually
come across as egotistical.") unless the others are present to
confirm it, it risks mis-assuming, misunderstanding,
guilt, defensiveness, and reciprocal assumptions and judgments.
Say "I felt" or "I was" to frame your message, as opposed to speaking for
your colleagues using "we."
Don't pass along vague feedback from others - even if they have come to you
to express their concerns; allow them the opportunity to share their own
thoughts and feelings.

Mistake Four 
Negative feedback gets sandwiched
between positive messages or is cushioned<o></o>

The Fix 
Use
"I" and "You"
rather than "We." Trying to sugarcoat your feedback to avoid
"hurt feelings" ( e.g. "We
really need to do better at staying focused on one topic at a time") often
breeds semi-conscious discomfort and distrust.
Note that withholding feedback to avoid
"hurting the other person's feelings" OR to protect yourself
from a difficult situation may deprive both of you a chance to grow. 
Don't label your feedback as positive or negative (e.g., "I have some
negative feedback to give you" or "do you want the good or bad news
first?") Allow the other person to come
to their own conclusions and feelings about the feedback.
Sandwiching negative feedback between two positives is often ineffective - receivers
tend to see through this technique and focus on the negatives. Being up front
with concerns allows for focused attention. If you want someone to hear your
positive messages, provide isolated time for focus on these as well, so the
recipient can really hear the positives. 
Finally, don't qualify your experience as means of cushioning. For example,
"I felt like you attacked me in the team meeting when you told me "I screwed up
the project for everyone," but I may have just been overly sensitive and need
thicker skin."

Mistake Five 
The feedback is exaggerated with
generalities<o></o>

The Fix 
Eliminate words like "always" and "never" when describing the other
person's behavior (this is relevant in giving both positive and negative. 
In a negative feedback situation, saying "You never come to meetings on
time" or "You are always late" inspires defensiveness and a quick list of times
when the person DID come on time, etc. This negates the message you are trying
to give and makes the other person less receptive to hearing the message.
In a positive feedback situation, generalities might seem more acceptable
("You always are the hardest worker on the team" or "I never see you with a
frown.") This can make the recipient feel
flattered but uncomfortable as well, as likely she can think of contradictory
examples, and may also feel that she is no longer allowed NOT to be the hardest
worker, or to have a down day where smiling is hard to do. It's a subtle but
real effect.

Mistake Six 
The feedback psychoanalyzes the
motives behind the behavior<o></o>

The Fix 
Avoid guessing why the person did what they did,
unless they invite you to brainstorm. Otherwise, you miss the real target:
alerting them to their behavior's impact, and reasons to change their
attitudes and/or behavior. Second-guessing can imply you feel one-up, and
trigger defensiveness, hurt, resentment, dependency, withdrawal, and/or
"deafness" to the information that you are trying to share.<o></o>

Mistake Seven 
The feedback is mistimed or goes on
too long<o></o>

The Fix 
Don't delay in giving feedback - wait long enough to clarify your motives,
message, and goals, and also to understand a little more of the needs of the
other person so as not to act in anger, but most of the time sooner is better.
Watch out for flooding. In your zeal to
empower the other person and feel wonderful about yourself, you may give
feedback too fast, or give too much at once. Typically, one person
is faster at thinking, speaking, and/or reacting than the other. Limiting your
comments to a few sentences at most and then asking for any response can guard
against flooding.<o></o>
Also, try focusing on a single message - what's the most important thing you
would like this person to hear and how? Try giving that message in a few
sentences and then stop talking to give the other person time to absorb and
think.

Mistake Eight 
The feedback contains an implied
threat<o></o>

The Fix<o></o>
Avoid tying your feedback to
results or consequences unrelated to how the action has made you think and
feel. This can apply to both positive
and negative situations. For example, saying, as a peer, that "you keep that
behavior up and your likely going to get promoted" may leave the other person
wondering if that's ok with you or if you feel threatened. On the flip side,
saying "Your methods of communicating suggest to me that you are not a great
fit for this organization" indicates the person might be fired or ostracized.

Mistake Nine<o></o>
The feedback is insensitive to the other person's needs<o></o>

The Fix<o></o>
Avoid insensitive terminology by
practicing your feedback message with someone who doesn't know the individual
involved - how did it make your practice partner feel?
Avoid inappropriate humor.
Sometimes it's easy to "joke" away an issue but this can confuse the message
and make the other person feel less comfortable. Sometimes this is a stylistic
issue <a name="OLE_LINK2"></a><a name="OLE_LINK1">- </a>you may feel that humor is in keeping with your
personality, but really consider the personality of the person whom you are
speaking with - does this fit with their needs?
Avoid patriarchal messages, which stem from the
viewpoint of changing the behavior of the other person for his/her own good.
This implies you know best instead stick to some of the guidelines
above—describe the situation, the behavior, and its impact on you. Then let the
other person respond. Beware of "You need
to...", which is a covert way of saying "I want you
to..." Also: "You never..." and "You always..."
tend to feel judgmental, overwhelming, and can spoil mutually respectful
feedback fast.
Avoid providing your feedback in
the form of a question, which puts the person in a difficult situation of
trying to figure out where you stand, or in agreeing or disagreeing with you.
For example "Don't you think your presentation went on too long?" or "how do
you feel your long presentation went over with the others?" Plus, your message
becomes less clear and unfocused.

Mistake Ten<o></o>

The feedback pulls in
your own vulnerabilities and experiences<o></o>

The Fix<o></o>

Remember—the feedback you are giving is directed to the
recipient not about yourself! Seems basic, but this mistake is committed a lot!

This mistake can often take a couple of different forms.
Avoid being "a topper" - topping the other person's experience with your own
stories. For example "I used to have trouble talking too much in meeting. There
was this one time when..." This takes the focus away from the individual at hand.
Or "You gave a great presentation. You should have seen the one I gave to the
CEO last fall - it knocked her socks off!" This undermines the impact of the
work and actions done by the recipient. 

Also, in an attempt to make the other person feel more at
ease, there is a temptation to talk about all the ways you might have screwed
up or struggle. Again, this takes the focus away from the recipient.

Another way this mistake might take form is to illustrate
and issue for someone by giving examples of how you do it differently: "Becky,
you came across really defensive today in the meeting when John challenged your
new idea. What I do in that situation is thank him for his input and let him
know I will take it into consideration. That's how I stay on his good side."
Perhaps the recipient will ask you for advice, but let him or her solicit.

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ten common mistakes giving feedback